Everything Under The Tropical Sun

Breaking our normal routine, instead of waiting for my husband to pick me up at work, I went to his office and waited for him the other day. I went straight to his desk, moved his laptop aside and cleared a space up for my own laptop. I do this every time I go to his office first because I know he’ll take forever to finish his work. He usually works about an hour… an hour and a half overtime every day. He usually has a very stressful day at work. The day he starts relaxing… is the day that the accounting department is going to start stressing out. So consensus says, it’s better that he gets stressed rather than the accounting department. Poor guy.

He has always turned to music to balance himself out. When he needs to get his adrenaline running, he’d usually pump up the volume and rock out to his favorite tracks. He’s always been into rock music and maybe it’s derivatives like punk, alternative… not really into heavy metal but he likes some tracks from that genre. Sure, he’d venture out to Hip Hop music but he’d always come back home to rock.

Imagine my shock and a bit of awe when I heard Con te partido blasting from his laptop. Opera music. Then classical music. My goodness! What ever happened to my husband?! Why would he… my own rocker… listen to classical music?! I mean… sure… he can appreciate practically all types of music… he does not discriminate and he has a mind so open that he’s hardly judgemental. But in the 7 years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him listen to classical. I couldn’t help myself and started acting silly… acting like I was a conductor (there’s this cool Brazilian conductor we’ve seen perform on TV… so I was mimicking him)… he mentioned something about Bugs Bunny and we laughed.

Without having to ask him, he explained himself. Whenever he listens to rock nowadays, his heart starts pumping really hard and with his stress levels at work, it’s not helping him. Classical music keeps him calm and alert all throughout the day.

Hmm… good explanation. I can believe it. But… SHOCKING!!!

It was Labor day and for most of us, our day off… and as usual, it wasn’t for my dear hubby. He went to work because they had a lot of deadlines this weekend. In fact, they worked yesterday. But my hubby didn’t because of our little scare last Friday.

He came home and we had dinner as we always do. Everything was fine and nothing seemed out of the ordinary… and as usual he had his “little” asthma attack before going to bed and used his inhaler. Then he complained that he still couldn’t breathe. I didn’t think anything of it because he would normally go into his asthma attacks and always, the inhaler helped. But this time, he was antsy. I told him to use the nebulizer but maybe it’s because he felt his inhaler made matters worse, he opted not to. After pacing a few more times, he looked at me and said: “We have to go to the hospital.”

My heart started racing. I tried not to worry until I had all the facts. But he rarely complains about anything… PLUS he hates seeing anyone who has to wear a white coat for a living. For him to ask me to take him to the hospital was enough to get me really really worried. A million scenarios played through my head while on the way to the hospital. I found myself silently picking things off and praying that I was just being paranoid. But he couldn’t breathe and he was dizzy.

We got to the hospital sometime around 10:30. Thankfully the doctor was able to see him immediately and he didn’t order him to the O.R. or anything like that so I was a bit relieved. But when he asked for an X-ray and ECG test, my heart and mind started working overtime again. But the tests came up negative. His blood pressure was normal and nothing was really wrong with him. The doctor said that it might be gastrointestinal acid reflux disease. In layman’s terms: easy up on the coffee, softdrinks, alcohol, and other such vices.

He was still complaining about his shortness of breath so I guess he had a slight anxiety attack too. (But to be honest, if the nurse took my BP, it probably would’ve been high and she’d say that I was having an anxiety attack.) So they gave him a sedative (he was quite happy about that) to calm him down and calm his breathing pattern. We got out of the hospital at around midnight. But when we got home, he was still complaining and had to “consciously” breathe.

He’s okay now but gave me quite a scare. I weighed myself yesterday. I had to go on and off the weighing scale about 5 times because I couldn’t believe what I saw: I lost 5 lbs. Was it because of our little scare last Friday? My body had to go on an adrenalin spree because of the worry? If it is… well, that’s one workout regimen I don’t ever want to go on again.

The world – meaning MY world – is right again… I picked him up last Saturday at the airport and I have my husband back! Three cheers for ME! Hip Hip……… Hip Hip……… Hip Hip…. HURRAY!!!

What changed? How come my world is right up side now that he’s back? Here’s a few:

1. I can fall asleep easily (it’s difficult to fall asleep when he’s not around).
2. I wake up earlier (semi-depression causes me too oversleep – slightly extreme, I know).
3. I eat better (because I cook for him instead of cooking – or the lack thereof – for myself).
4. I’m relaxed.
5. I’m inspired.
6. I’m loved.

I spent the first 23 years of my life searching. I’ve always had a feeling that I was missing something. That feeling turned into desire and the desire turned into desperation until it turned into an obsession. I was obsessed in finding my other half. The search has led me to make one bad choice after another, creating multiple heart aches and pain along the way of my own doing. It wasn’t until I resigned to letting the obsession go that I discovered my other half was actually me.

I was my own missing “something”.

He came. He found me. He saw someone whole but broken.

I was whole. I no longer felt like I was missing something but I was broken. I needed mending and he did that with me. He helped me mend the broken pieces of my soul simply by loving me. He showed me how to love myself. He accepted everything. All of me.

I’m not considerate.
I’m VERY impatient.
I’m not very nice at times.
I can be judgmental.
I can be mean and selfish.

He still loves me inspite of my ugly side. I used to hate myself because of it. He even suffered for a time. I don’t know exactly when things changed. I just know that I’ve slowly started to accept myself for all that I am as he did. Now, I’m whole and not broken. Without him and his love my life would’ve been a drama-filled pit of self-pity and hate. This, I realized while he was away.

But now he’s here and nothing else matters. My world is right again.

You left this morning anad I’m missing you already. I know it’s for work and you have to do it but it doesn’t stop me from missing you.

I miss coming home and sharing my day with you.
I miss kissing you “Hi!” after a long day’s work.
I miss watching American Idol with you and sounding off opinions about the contestants with each other.
I miss whining that I don’t like our dinner to you.
I miss your wit.
I miss laughing with you.
I miss you making me laugh.
I miss your face.
I miss your tattoo.
I miss you so much.

I can’t wait for Saturday. I’m going to get off work early to pick you up. I’ll spend three excruciating nights without you but I know I’ll see you again. I love you.

I’m so excited! We’re going away on holiday next week. We’ll be off to bantayan then on to bohol. I hope I can get a decent internet connection there so I can upload photos. It’ll be awesome!

My husband needs the break. This morning he tells me that he might go to work (when I specifically told him to make sure he doesn’t) after our bantayan trip. I’ve been bugging him to take a load off and relax because his mind’s not what it used to be. He’s so forgetful nowadays and end up making bad PERSONAL decisions. He tells me that he blanks out sometimes and we’d had conversations wherein he’d ask me where I got a certain information from… I’d say: “FROM YOU!!!” Those times would get me really worried… scratch that. I AM worried.

I thought a good long vacation would do the trick. Since Neptune’s coming and all, we took a leave of absence… or so I thought. Now he’s telling me he’s going to go to work. I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK!!! He’s not the same man anymore. Too much work related stuff is cluttering his brain… and instead of him ramping up his disk space… he opted to just delete some of the stuff in there.

So I WAS excited. But what he told me this morning kinda dampened the whole thing. It’s not about me… I’m okay about him working if his mind wasn’t as jumbled as it is now. He’s turned into a workaholic and I’m not happy with the way it’s affecting him. If he still hasn’t improved after this vacation… I’m going to put my foot down. It’s not funny anymore. I can’t ask for advice from anyone close to me because they’re ALL workaholics themselves. If he doesn’t learn how to balance his job and his personal life… what’s the point?

Oh well… at least we’re going away for a while. I just pray it’ll be enough for him to regain some of his mental prowess… I love that mind. I miss it. I want it back.

PERFECT! –> one word to describe my husband’s barbequed baby back ribs! I’m drooling just thinking about those flawlessly grilled tender baby back ribs. When he first grilled these babies a few weeks ago, they were so good that I just couldn’t wait and didn’t mind repeating a meal in less than 2 weeks. I’m in love… with my husband’s baby back ribs. He claims that the first try was just “practice” and that he got it right this time around (what a showboat! but has every right of being one). Anyway, they’re yummy and this is the closest way I could share it to the rest of the world.

The meaning of the words “Burn Out” is lost on me nowadays. There were several years when I lived in a burned out world… I’d tire easily… I’d hate going to work… I’d long for the long weekends and go on a virtual vacation by surfing the web for places I’d dream of visiting some day (I loved doing that!).

Nowadays, I’d still get tired but I’m having so much fun doing what I do now. I learn something new everyday and I make it a point to study on something that I’m interested in and is still work related. I don’t know how long this is going to last ’til I want to  run screaming out of the office but for now, I’m content.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s still hard work but work I don’t mind. I don’t mind the work. I don’t mind the pay. The burned out feeling doesn’t come as easily as it once did… and THAT makes all the difference in the world.